Athlete
Said a voice from inside when he questioned his identity.
He lives his life centered around training and recovering.
He competes from time to time.
He bornes the "pain" of shunning "normal" pleasures of life.
He introduces himself as "I am an Athlete".
He is mesmerized by the legends of his sport.
But ... is he an Athlete?
Perhaps he is an "athlete".
The petty label society uses today to refer to individuals committing to a life like that.
The category he gets bucketed into by strangers, the moment they see him, his imposing figure along with his paraphernalia.
But he is an Athlete.
Deep down he knows it.
Deep down he can feel it.
But he hasn't been always an Athlete
Not that long ago, he was an "athlete" without even realizing.
Not that long ago, a part of him questioned his existence from time to time.
Questions like ...
What the fuck are you doing with life?
Where are you going with all this?
Why do you really go to the gym?
Who or what is it that you are running towards?
Who or what is it that are you running away from?
Some days the angst was just too much to bear.
The angst of living a double life.
The life of an "athlete" and this "main" life.
The "main" life where he was a "normal" person.
The "main" life that paid the bills and numbed the occasional pain.
The "main" life where everyone seemed to be just surviving, content with being a somebody.
On some days the "main life problems" would come screaming at him, clouding even his desire to train.
And on some, things appeared "easy" as if "just another day".
How long will this go on, he would wonder.
When would he stop being an "athlete" and become an Athlete?
When would he stop being a "someone" and become ... just ... "One"?
People around him would say that it'd happen at some point.
That it was, "just a matter of time".
"You will figure it out" used to say elder folks.
Even folks who said they had been an Athlete in their prime.
(These elder folks looked reasonably "happy" running a related business or coaching other "athletes".)
That's it? he would wonder. You finally become an Athlete and then come back to being a somebody?
(He often visualized the following cycle)
somebody ---> "athlete" ---> Athlete ---> somebody
This didn't sit well with him. He always felt something's amiss.
It still doesn't.
He often learns about and meets other people who seem to be living a physically active life too.
Some, he learns about through their Internet presence. While others he encounters in real life.
Some even practice the same sport as he.
As he converses with the ones he meets and questions them about their motivations, he can't help but notice a few things ...
That almost all of these people appear to neatly fall into two separate groups.
The first group of people either ...
Genuinely enjoy their activity. Or ...
Genuinely enjoy their activity and do it competitively.
And then, the second group of people partakes in their activity for all but the above two reasons.
It appears to him that the people in this group ...
Don't enjoy but do it competitively. (They enjoy competition)
Do it to impress others.
Do it out of the need to "stay in shape".
Do it out of the need to "stay healthy".
Do it to fit in, to hide who they really are.
Do it because if they don't, they are scared of who they will become.
Do it because it provides them a momentary escape from the turmoils of life.
...
(He has always felt that there could be many more reasons)
He sees a lot of people from the second group. As his master once said, these people apparently are only interested in "window shopping" their activity.
These people, he decides, are only interested in what their activity or sport can do for them. They never even consider what they could be or do for it.
They play the role of an "athlete" for a few hours and would go back home to their "main" life. Then, they will be an "athlete" again the next day at 5 PM.
He can understand where they are coming from, but for the hell of it, cannot put himself in their shoes.
However, he is yet to meet someone from the first group in person.
He can even tell some people who appear to be actually in the first group but seem to also exhibit traits of those in the second group.
They show the fervor and passion for the sport in their eyes. They show it because they can't help it. It is in their blood
But at the same time, they are insecure, unsure and afraid.
They show the child-like excitement for their craft.
But at the same time, they show boredom and pain. Perhaps coming from their "main life problems".
How does he know this? How can he tell these few people apart from the masses purely in the second group?
Because you see, he himself had been somewhere in the intersection of these two groups for a long time.
Because these are the people who are still an "athlete" that he once was.
Having successfully finished the journey from being an "athlete" to an Athlete, he understands.
He understands that to go from "athlete" to "Athlete" one has to let go of certain things.
Things that society and our "circle" taints us with.
Things that slowly leach our otherwise pure desire for the sport.
Things that if one lets, will drag them down to being a somebody.
A somebody until they take their last breath.
Unless they recognize these things for what they are and decide for themselves ...
To embark on a journey to be pure and immortal ...
To be an Athlete ... until their last breath.